Gentlemen, behold! I have unlocked the secret to deciphering the profiles of women on dating websites. Through a recent completely random selection on a dating website I have NEVER visited before because I NEVER USE THEM BECAUSE I AM A REAL MAN AND NEVER EVER EVER HAVE A PROBLEM GETTING DATES, EVER, I have developed a method by which the hidden meaning deep within the profile of any hot sexy 300 pound single mom in a trailer can be exposed so that you can make her your WoW girlfriend... overnight!
Here, on my goddamn blog, completely free of charge, I will publish one (1) free sample.
USER NAME: SINGLEFEMALE69 (I swear I am NOT making that up. This user name will be important later, when you're reading how much she hates guys who just want sex... but she went ahead and threw in "69", just to get your attention.)
HER words are bolded; MY TRANSLATIONS are italicized. Read 'em and weep, boys.
I'm looking for that special someone to complete my life.
(I am incomplete. Please make me whole.)
I have had some bad relationships in the past, but I know there has to be a great guy out there for me!
(My last three relationships have ended in enough tears and bloodshed to fuel a Somali pirate ship. My stalking abilities know no bounds.)
I need a man that can enjoy my company as much as I will enjoy his. If it's going out or just staying home and watching a movie together.
(I'm insecure. Tell me constantly how much you enjoy my company. Talk about nothing but "us". No matter where we are, constant eye contact is a must; looking away for even a second is indicative of "relationship problems"... even on our second date.)
I'm 5'4", brown hair/green eyes. I have a cute face and a thick waist. I HAVE ONE PIERCING AND 7 TATS, so if that isn't your thing....SORRY!
( I have cleverly disguised "thick waist" with all these other, less off-putting physical descriptors for good reason. I am enormous. Please ask me where my piercing is; you may need to help me find it, as I have not personally seen it in several years.)
I love all kinds of music from country to rock and some rap.
( I have poor decision-making skills and little impulse control. I don't like being expected to make choices; thusly, I have very few concrete loyalties, even to my closest friends.)
I prefer movies with a good story line, not really into sci-fi but I'm willing to compromise.
(I'll compromise because I haven't been on a date since before the birth of my sixth child. I'M SO FUCKING LONELY. SCI-FI IS FINE. JUST LOVE ME.)
I am a VERY out going person that will try just about anything.
(coughcoughWHOREcoughcough)
I am looking for a man that knows what he wants,
(As long as it's me,)
and doesn't play head games!
(Because that's MY job, dammit.)
So guys, PLEASE STOP wasting my time if you are.
(Between Roseanne reruns and waiting for the pizza guy, my time is precious.)
I am not looking for a one night stand or mr. right now or friends with benefits,so AGAIN,if that's what your looking for then please go find someone else!
(Please understand I will incessantly nag you for a commitment almost from the moment we meet. But here, let me type 69 again. 69. 69. 69.)
I want a long term relationship. I know he is out there somewhere, and I will take my time to find him.
(I have very very large ankles.)
If there is anything I may have left out and you would like to know, feel free to send a message and ask!! If you would like to see more pics I have them.
(Email me for naked pictures and sexy sexy cyber love.)
On our first date, I'd like to go somewhere nice and quiet,
(And preferably dark)
so we can talk and get to know each other and take it from there.
(So I can give you a half-hearted handjob after asking you far too many questions about your occupation and income.)
Definately not a movie since you cannot talk,
(Again, I need your complete undivided attention at all times. Are you listening to me?)
possibly dinner, drinks at a decent restaurant would be fun!
(I'M SO HUNGRY.)
So there it is. The online-dating-website-woman-translator-thingie. I hope you've enjoyed your free sample, and if you'd like to download the whole program, please contact me.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Fake tits don't move me much. But if you wanna go all Capt. Save-A-Ho, cool.
I'm glad this has been brought up in a public forum, so that I can respond to it for everyone to see.
The machine in question was given to me for a rebuild nearly 3 years ago, if I remember right. The agreement was that I'd rebuild it, notify Kat (the owner of the machine) that it was finished, and she would then pay for the rebuild via Paypal.
I lived up to my end- I took a machine that was barely functioning and turned it into a lean, mean thing of beauty. I sent pictures and a Paypal invoice to Kat, and didn't hear from her. So I texted her and asked if she got the email. "Yeah, I got it. Let me just wait till payday". Several weeks in a row, this was the story. After a while I figured, well, I'll stop being annoying about it. When she's got the money, she'll let me know.
So the machine sat there for months. Eventually I discovered I was moving across the country. So, fine, the machine went in a drawer. By now I've had it about a year, and I've made repeated efforts to find the owner to arrange to get it back to her, with no results.
Finally I decided, fuck this. If I was an auto mechanic I woulda put a lien on this thing and resold it a long time ago. So I got an offer on it from a good friend who taught me to build machines, and got my money finally.
Now another couple years go by- and out of the blue, I get a message from Kat asking for her machine. Uhh... what? No, that's gone, baby. "OH, well can you get it back?" Sure, I'll do you a FAVOR- although you've done me no favors- and see if I can get it back from the dude who bought it after you abandoned it for a year. I asked him, I didn't hear back about it, meanwhile this chick's all up my ass every day about her machine from years ago that she chose to abandon with me.
Finally she sent me some snarky little message copping an attitude, so she went on ignore. Now she can kiss my ass, I won't make even the slightest effort to help somebody if they're gonna be impatient and get all PMS on me about shit that's got nothing to do with me at all.
So, there's the story. The entire story. Far as morals, I never said I have morals. In fact, I probably have much lower moral standards than most people claim to have. But this is definitely not a situation in which my moral fiber is in question at all.
If that doesn't answer your questions adequately, you're welcome to stop by my home at any time to discuss this matter further. My address is available simply by asking me for it through my inbox.
I consider this matter settled unless further facts come to light which I haven't considered yet.
Have a good day, Dan.
The machine in question was given to me for a rebuild nearly 3 years ago, if I remember right. The agreement was that I'd rebuild it, notify Kat (the owner of the machine) that it was finished, and she would then pay for the rebuild via Paypal.
I lived up to my end- I took a machine that was barely functioning and turned it into a lean, mean thing of beauty. I sent pictures and a Paypal invoice to Kat, and didn't hear from her. So I texted her and asked if she got the email. "Yeah, I got it. Let me just wait till payday". Several weeks in a row, this was the story. After a while I figured, well, I'll stop being annoying about it. When she's got the money, she'll let me know.
So the machine sat there for months. Eventually I discovered I was moving across the country. So, fine, the machine went in a drawer. By now I've had it about a year, and I've made repeated efforts to find the owner to arrange to get it back to her, with no results.
Finally I decided, fuck this. If I was an auto mechanic I woulda put a lien on this thing and resold it a long time ago. So I got an offer on it from a good friend who taught me to build machines, and got my money finally.
Now another couple years go by- and out of the blue, I get a message from Kat asking for her machine. Uhh... what? No, that's gone, baby. "OH, well can you get it back?" Sure, I'll do you a FAVOR- although you've done me no favors- and see if I can get it back from the dude who bought it after you abandoned it for a year. I asked him, I didn't hear back about it, meanwhile this chick's all up my ass every day about her machine from years ago that she chose to abandon with me.
Finally she sent me some snarky little message copping an attitude, so she went on ignore. Now she can kiss my ass, I won't make even the slightest effort to help somebody if they're gonna be impatient and get all PMS on me about shit that's got nothing to do with me at all.
So, there's the story. The entire story. Far as morals, I never said I have morals. In fact, I probably have much lower moral standards than most people claim to have. But this is definitely not a situation in which my moral fiber is in question at all.
If that doesn't answer your questions adequately, you're welcome to stop by my home at any time to discuss this matter further. My address is available simply by asking me for it through my inbox.
I consider this matter settled unless further facts come to light which I haven't considered yet.
Have a good day, Dan.
Monday, July 4, 2011
Bachelor Life.
It started out with just not doing my laundry sometimes...
Yes, that's smoke coming off them in the second picture- and plenty of it. I make no apologies.
Yes, that's smoke coming off them in the second picture- and plenty of it. I make no apologies.
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