Gentlemen, behold! I have unlocked the secret to deciphering the profiles of women on dating websites. Through a recent completely random selection on a dating website I have NEVER visited before because I NEVER USE THEM BECAUSE I AM A REAL MAN AND NEVER EVER EVER HAVE A PROBLEM GETTING DATES, EVER, I have developed a method by which the hidden meaning deep within the profile of any hot sexy 300 pound single mom in a trailer can be exposed so that you can make her your WoW girlfriend... overnight!
Here, on my goddamn blog, completely free of charge, I will publish one (1) free sample.
USER NAME: SINGLEFEMALE69 (I swear I am NOT making that up. This user name will be important later, when you're reading how much she hates guys who just want sex... but she went ahead and threw in "69", just to get your attention.)
HER words are bolded; MY TRANSLATIONS are italicized. Read 'em and weep, boys.
I'm looking for that special someone to complete my life.
(I am incomplete. Please make me whole.)
I have had some bad relationships in the past, but I know there has to be a great guy out there for me!
(My last three relationships have ended in enough tears and bloodshed to fuel a Somali pirate ship. My stalking abilities know no bounds.)
I need a man that can enjoy my company as much as I will enjoy his. If it's going out or just staying home and watching a movie together.
(I'm insecure. Tell me constantly how much you enjoy my company. Talk about nothing but "us". No matter where we are, constant eye contact is a must; looking away for even a second is indicative of "relationship problems"... even on our second date.)
I'm 5'4", brown hair/green eyes. I have a cute face and a thick waist. I HAVE ONE PIERCING AND 7 TATS, so if that isn't your thing....SORRY!
( I have cleverly disguised "thick waist" with all these other, less off-putting physical descriptors for good reason. I am enormous. Please ask me where my piercing is; you may need to help me find it, as I have not personally seen it in several years.)
I love all kinds of music from country to rock and some rap.
( I have poor decision-making skills and little impulse control. I don't like being expected to make choices; thusly, I have very few concrete loyalties, even to my closest friends.)
I prefer movies with a good story line, not really into sci-fi but I'm willing to compromise.
(I'll compromise because I haven't been on a date since before the birth of my sixth child. I'M SO FUCKING LONELY. SCI-FI IS FINE. JUST LOVE ME.)
I am a VERY out going person that will try just about anything.
(coughcoughWHOREcoughcough)
I am looking for a man that knows what he wants,
(As long as it's me,)
and doesn't play head games!
(Because that's MY job, dammit.)
So guys, PLEASE STOP wasting my time if you are.
(Between Roseanne reruns and waiting for the pizza guy, my time is precious.)
I am not looking for a one night stand or mr. right now or friends with benefits,so AGAIN,if that's what your looking for then please go find someone else!
(Please understand I will incessantly nag you for a commitment almost from the moment we meet. But here, let me type 69 again. 69. 69. 69.)
I want a long term relationship. I know he is out there somewhere, and I will take my time to find him.
(I have very very large ankles.)
If there is anything I may have left out and you would like to know, feel free to send a message and ask!! If you would like to see more pics I have them.
(Email me for naked pictures and sexy sexy cyber love.)
On our first date, I'd like to go somewhere nice and quiet,
(And preferably dark)
so we can talk and get to know each other and take it from there.
(So I can give you a half-hearted handjob after asking you far too many questions about your occupation and income.)
Definately not a movie since you cannot talk,
(Again, I need your complete undivided attention at all times. Are you listening to me?)
possibly dinner, drinks at a decent restaurant would be fun!
(I'M SO HUNGRY.)
So there it is. The online-dating-website-woman-translator-thingie. I hope you've enjoyed your free sample, and if you'd like to download the whole program, please contact me.
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